Look, I’m good at lots of stuff: Mario Kart, fitting an entire bag of Cheetos in my mouth, that kind of thing. I have talents, you know? So I really resent how much my parents talk about how smart, accomplished, and good looking their Nest Learning Thermostat is. They keep telling me how impressed they are that it learned their schedule in just a week and programed itself, and how the Nest Thermostat is thoughtful enough to turn the heat down when nobody’s home. They show it off at parties, tell all their friends how much energy Nest saves. When people ask how I’m doing, they say stuff like, “Well, he’s definitely not saving any money” and “He can’t even learn to close the bathroom door.” I mean, what do I have to do to compete with this Nest Learning Thermostat? Study? Read? Come on. Let’s not be ridiculous.